When you’re in a relationship with someone, one of the next logical steps is to cohabitate. However, if the relationship is still new, this raises the question of how soon is too soon to move in together. Is it, for example, too soon to move in together after three months? What about 6 or 9 months? The short answer is that it depends. There are a few foundational relationship elements you must establish before you’re ready to share a home, according to Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of I Want This to Work. Continue reading to find out what they are and how to tell if it’s too soon to move in together.
When Should You Move In Together?
Earnshaw believes that the quality of the relationship is more important than the length of time you’ve been together. One of the most important aspects of a good relationship is the ability to discuss difficult topics without becoming critical or shutting down. Instead, she suggests that you both express curiosity (by asking open-ended questions like “Can you tell me more about that?”), are willing to expand your mind based on the other’s beliefs, and can come up with win-win solutions if necessary.
Earnshaw continues by pointing out how crucial it is to give yourself enough time to observe how the other person behaves when they are not involved in a romantic relationship. “This includes paying attention not only to how they treat you, but also to how they treat others and live their lives,” she explains. From there, you can determine whether their way of life and interactions with others aligns with your values.
So, is it too soon to move in together after three, six, or nine months? If the couple hasn’t checked all of the above boxes, Earnshaw believes it’s too soon. But if you’ve already laid the groundwork, it might not be too soon. Earnshaw observes that while things work out well for some couples who move in together quickly, they may not for other couples who wait a long time. Again, it is not a question of time but of relationship quality.
What to Discuss Before Moving In Together
1. Your Reasons for Living Together
When considering moving in with your partner, it’s critical to have an open and honest discussion first to ensure it’s the right decision. The first thing to discuss is your reasons for moving in together.
“The greatest risk of unhappiness after moving in together is not necessarily how quickly you moved in together,” Earnshaw says.
One partner might want to move in together because it is less expensive than living apart, while the other partner sees it as the next step toward marriage. This is an example of an asymmetrical motivation. In other words, you should both understand why you’re moving in together.
2. How Will Living Together Be Like?
The conversation should also cover what it will be like if and when you decide to live together. Earnshaw explains that if one of you is upset by something the other person did, how will you discuss and deal with it once you live together? What is the strategy? She also suggests delving into specifics such as who will be in charge of which chores and home tasks, as well as how you’ll manage your finances and pay your bills.
When Is the Best Time to Move In Together?
Discussing those two key points can help you determine whether it’s time to move in with your significant other. Again, signs that indicate a positive outcome include the ability to discuss difficult topics and having observed how they interact with others.
Most importantly, the presence of reciprocity in the relationship indicates that you may be ready. “Both people must believe that the relationship provides them with the support, love, and motivation they require to live a life that feels even better than it did before,” Earnshaw says.
The relationship should make both of your lives easier than they were when you were apart, but that doesn’t mean you have to benefit in the same exact way. This way, neither partner feels as if they are giving more than the other, making sacrifices, or putting themselves in awkward situations in order to keep the relationship going.
If the relationship passes the above tests but you’re still unsure whether it’s too soon to move in together, Earnshaw suggests waiting until you’re both sure.
Is it possible to ruin a relationship by moving in together too soon?
Yes, moving in together too soon can ruin a relationship if you haven’t established a strong foundation. Earnshaw claims that during the first year of a relationship, people are in a honeymoon phase, making it difficult to see things you don’t want to see, such as the other person’s bad habits. And when you share a house, it all comes to the surface. “When you live together, you will quickly learn what your partner’s values are and how they prefer to live, and you will need to navigate this alongside your own values and preferences,” she says.
She also adds that if you discover the relationship isn’t right for you after moving in together, it can be more difficult to leave.
If you do decide to move in together before the one-year mark, Earnshaw advises you to first make sure you’ve had clear and direct conversations about it and that your intentions, goals, and values are all in sync.