Because falling madly, profoundly in love is such a beautiful emotion, it is frequently the subject of songs, literature, and motion pictures. What about the opposition, though? When you think this could be happening to you, it might be tough to discern if you’re still in love, and there is no obvious path for navigating the situation.
Perhaps your relationship is going through a difficult time, or perhaps you’re moving past the honeymoon period. In any case, you’ll be going through a lot of emotions, and it might be difficult to determine if you’re just going through growing pains or whether the love is actually ended. It might be difficult to figure out how you’re feeling; it makes it much more difficult if you still love your partner as a person but aren’t in love with them any longer.
However, falling out of love is a decision, not an accident, says Rachel Wright, a registered psychologist and sexual health specialist at We-Vibe. Since you entered the relationship voluntarily, it is up to you whether to try to make it better or end it. It’s up to you to choose how to go, but it doesn’t mean one choice is better than another (breaking up is occasionally the greatest option).
Remember that there will likely be ups and downs in a relationship before you decide to end it, advises Liz Keeney, LPC, a psychotherapist and the founder of Inspired Talk Therapy. According to her, it’s common for couples to occasionally go through a “winter” season where they truly irritate one another.
But occasionally, it simply stops operating. Bustle consulted relationship experts to learn how to assess your emotions if you frequently wonder, “Am I still in love?” Here are a few indicators that you might not be.
- You begin fantasising about dating different people
Not feeling it anymore? You could get the urge to go out on dates with different individuals.
It’s one thing to find someone beautiful, but if you suffer from full-blown wandering eye syndrome, you can find yourself leaving the relationship quickly. You could simply be unable to stop looking at other individuals, or you might have downloaded Tinder or Bumble “just to look.” No matter what shape your wandering eye takes, Rachel Elder, a professional therapist, argues that these are indications that shouldn’t be disregarded. When you’d rather not be in a relationship, it’s natural to adopt a “grass is always greener” mentality, she says.
There is a difference between wanting to date while in a relationship and only wishing to replace your existing spouse. Non-monogamy may, of course, be a fantastic choice for couples who agree to it. According to Elder, if you frequently consider if your life would be better with a partner, there is probably a good reason for it.
The butterflies have vanished, 2.
Even once your relationship has moved past the honeymoon period, you can’t expect to feel deeply in love every single day. However, Jonathan Bennett, a licenced psychotherapist and dating specialist at Double Trust Dating, advises paying attention if you don’t have any sort of passion for your partner.
Every relationship needs upkeep, so you might have to work a bit more to keep things exciting and engaging by making time for quality time, doing new activities as a couple, or even switching up your sex life. However, if you’ve worked hard to rekindle a flame and still don’t experience butterflies in your stomach, you could not be romantically in love any longer.
- Your Sexual Life Has Become Boring
According to sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., it’s natural for your sexual life to fluctuate or for you to have different sexual tastes from your spouse. Numerous factors, including stress, poor physical health, and changing marital dynamics, might cause it. However, if you’ve entirely lost interest and there doesn’t appear to be a solid reason, it can be an indication that love has moved on. Without sexual interaction, Bennett asserts, “the relationship is really simply a friendship or roommate scenario.”
What is a decent litmus test to determine whether your lack of sex activity is due to your spouse losing interest in you? Nawal Alomari, a qualified psychotherapist, advises thinking about whether you even want that spark back. If so, you may work on that issue together to make long-term improvements to your relationship. If not, you may not have the same level of passionate commitment to the relationship that you formerly had.
Wright continues, “It’s also helpful to be aware of your own sexual baseline since having a strong sexual connection with yourself may help you figure out what’s lacking and why.” “How do I care for my sexual health? How do I feel about having sex? First, get back in touch with that, she advises, according to Bustle. Then examine your relationship to identify any areas where your goals and your actions are at odds.
- You Aren’t Best Friends Anymore
Your partner being your best friend is only normal. According to Anita Chlipala, LMFT, licenced marital and family therapist and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide to Lasting Love, “becoming each other’s closest friends offers numerous benefits, from more relationship happiness to more commitment [and] better sexual fulfilment.” When you’re dating your closest friend, you rely on them for support, confide in them, and have a very close friendship. Therefore, it can indicate a disconnect if you no longer feel like you can (or want to) turn to your spouse, according to Chlipala. Couples can concentrate on their friendship to see if it helps; if not, it could be time to stop the relationship.
- Their Adorable Habits Are No Longer Adorable
Love may blind you, especially in the beginning. Those idiosyncrasies and oddities you once adored in your mate may suddenly irritate you beyond belief. Some of this is typical as you get more at ease with one another, but Keeney warns that it can also lead you to paint your relationship in a poor light. She claims that rather of finding humour in everyday errors, you may experience anger, frustration, and resentment.
As Keeney explains to Bustle, “When a couple is in love, they recall their previous road trip when the car broke down as an adventure.” “When a couple is having problems, they keep telling the same tale with animosity and blame or wrath directed at one another.”
- There Is A Lack Of Something In The Relationship
You may be losing love if your heart isn’t in your relationship anymore.
It can be perplexing to lose romantic interest in your spouse, which is why you could continually wonder if you still love him or her. According to O’Reilly, there are occasions when the sole sign that something is amiss is a nagging feeling. You could not feel connected to your partner or you might not feel totally involved in each other’s life. However, even if you are unable to identify a specific issue, the seed of uncertainty should be enough to cast doubt on your relationship. O’Reilly underlines that you don’t need a “genuine” reason to end a relationship because remaining together without your heart in it won’t benefit either you or your partner.
- You’re unwilling to make the effort
There are several reasons why your relationship could sour, including a lack of sex or not enough time spent together. Fortunately, most of those problems can be resolved if you and your partner work hard enough, according to Alomari. She claims that if you don’t want to make the effort, it’s a surefire indication that your heart isn’t in the relationship any longer.
Couples in this circumstance should question themselves, “Do I not want to put in the effort, or do I assume if my spouse changes, everything will be better?” Chlipala advises. According to Chlipala, when a couple waits for the other person to change, they might get trapped. She adds that one spouse “may also be harbouring bitterness, and that might hinder them from putting in the effort — they may feel like they’ve already done so much to the relationship, and [they] want to see effort from their partner.” Get to the bottom of why you don’t want to put in the work first, and then see whether there is anything you can do about it. However, it can be best to end things if you genuinely are unwilling to put any effort into seeing if your relationship might become better.
- The Appeal Has Disappeared
According to Chlipala, a lack of effort goes hand in hand with losing appeal. If you’re not attracted to your spouse, you could not be paying attention to them, you might not want to be receptive to them, or both, she says. “You will feel less interest toward your spouse” means that the more emotionally invested you are in your relationship, the stronger the attraction.
It doesn’t matter how your lover looks when you’re really in love. Even when you’re ill, when you haven’t showered, and even when you’re not in the best of moods, you’ll still cuddle up to each other. However, Bennett notes that it might be a sign that the attraction has faded if you no longer want to offer your partner that much time and attention. It’s normal to occasionally lose your passion for your mate. Alomari believes it could be time to part ways if you don’t want to put in the effort to rekindle that attraction.
- You’d Be Okay Without Seeing Them Again
Even though it may sound extreme, one technique to tell if you still have feelings for your SO is to picture how you would feel if they were ready to leave and you would never see them again. As Chlipala explains to Bustle, “This is one of the reasons why couples undertake a trial separation or take a break—they want to discover if they miss one other. “On occasion, a couple’s complacency in a relationship that is clearly no longer functioning might be caused by dread of the unknown. However, it may be an indication that your relationship isn’t working if you constantly find that you look forward to your spouse coming home and feel better at ease while you’re both spending time apart.
According to Alomari, it may be a sign that you wish to end the relationship if you have a part of you that feels relieved at the idea of never seeing your spouse again. Even while you may not feel as strongly about them as you once did, if the prospect of them leaving you makes you feel heartbroken, then there may still be love between you two.
- You Dislike the Person You Have Become
According to O’Reilly, it’s sometimes preferable to place more emphasis on how you feel about yourself rather than how you feel about your spouse. She advises checking in with who you are when you are with your SO if you find your sentiments changing but are unsure of what to make of it. Do they bring forth your best qualities? Alternately, do you scarcely recognise yourself in their presence? If the latter, that can indicate that you aren’t getting what you want out of the relationship.
O’Reilly says, “We’ve been taught that we’re not worthy of love. So it “feels good enough” when someone turns up and likes us. However, it won’t work if you only admire yourself; you also need to love yourself.
You want to change your relationship, 11.
You’re no longer in love if you choose to be friends rather than a couple.
Your tastes in a relationship might alter over time, much like how you feel about your spouse, according to Wright. Perhaps you still really want your significant other to play a substantial role in your life, but as a friend rather than a lover or a less committed companion rather than a devoted partner. Whatever the objective, Wright advises discussing it with your spouse to see if they share your thoughts and feelings so you can decide how to proceed together. It doesn’t imply you’re choosing to end your relationship if you’re interested in learning more about non-monogamy, but you should be able to talk to your spouse about it honestly.
In our monogamous, “black-and-white” culture, Wright tells Bustle, “if we’re not in romance with someone, then we don’t communicate [after a breakup].” But you wouldn’t just declare, “I’m never going to talk to you again,” if that person was your closest friend. Recasting the individual is an alternative. Of course, whatever the transition may be, it must have the approval of both partners in the relationship. But it’s worth looking further to learn why and how if you find yourself desiring a different sort of relationship with your love partner.
- You No Longer View A Long-Term Relationship As An Option
Since romantic love naturally evolves over time, Alomari argues that it’s not always a negative thing if your relationship seems less passionate than it once did. However, it might be an indication that you’re not truly feeling your individual if you lose the desire to make a long-term commitment (or never had it in the first place). Maybe you’d rather go on dates purely for pleasure, or maybe you’d rather not date at all. In any case, the love can have faded if you don’t have a strong desire to offer this person a significant position in your life.
Chlipala notes that this isn’t always the case because avoidant attachment disorder sufferers are sometimes known for not seeking a long-term commitment. According to Chlipala, if you decided against seeking a long-term commitment, you should be prepared to explain why and make sure your partner shares your decision.
You No Longer Debate
Yes, it does seem entirely backward. You must agree that fighting with your lover is never a smart idea. Actually, there are few instances where fighting might surprise you by strengthening your bond. Contrary to popular assumption, conflict is really beneficial to a relationship, according to Chlipala, who speaks to Bustle. Actually, arguing and making an attempt to resolve conflicts shows that you two still care. She claims that when there is apathy, a relationship is seriously troubled. You’ve stopped defending your rights and no longer give a damn about what your spouse says or does. You may have lost those sentiments to the point where you just no longer care whether you find it difficult to speak with your partner.
- Your partner is unwilling to grow since you have outgrown them.
Growth and change on the parts of both people in a long-term partnership are expected. When you grow in opposite ways or when one of you is hesitant to grow with the other, that does lead to problems in a partnership. Liz Higgins, LMFT-S, licenced marital and family therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling, says of her clients, “I have worked with clients who have taken on the important journey of developing and healing their relational scars to become better in their adult relationships.” According to her, the hardest aspect is when a spouse is unwilling to support their own personal development. “This truly may set you on a trajectory where you are moving beyond your partner and don’t see a way to stay in a relationship with someone who isn’t prepared to look at themselves, improve, and understand their own attachment needs and inclinations.”